Crossroads.

i'm warning you now that i don't think any of these thoughts go together and make sense.

i guess it's time i wrote something since i haven't in over a year. this is one of those desperation attempts...one of those moments in one's life where it feels like everything around you is a fast-moving tornado and all you want to do is grab hold of one thing and secure it, but right when you stretch out your arm you fall. or it just keep getting further and further away. and it feels like your arm keep getting shorter...and finally you can't hold your arm out any longer and you just crumble.

i sat in a session one time at a conference and had someone sum up people's tendencies and mistake fairly well...

the first thing we as humans do is to reach a decision point where we can do one thing or the other. then we make a decision. sadly, more time than not, we decide with our own wants and we don't think things through. call it human nature...call it the fall of man and the "curse" that we have on us because we are created in sin but it's our own decisions that affect our future. others can influence those and give us ideas but we are always the final say.so then we make the decision...for the sake of this we'll say the wrong decision. and now what? now there is another option that presents itself...stop what you're doing and try to right the situation or keep going. sometimes we keep going in fear and sometimes out of excitement. i've heard that some people get adrenaline rushes and "highs" from getting away with something. i'm the opposite, i think. i don't like to push the limits, even though sometimes i screw up as well and usually when i do i screw up big. but anyway, so at some point in this road there there will be a consequence. we can bring that about by heading off the situation or we can have it come crashing on us because we finally get caught. either awy, it all comes out in the end.

this happens with any number of situation. drugs, alcohol, pornography, sex, lying...anything desire of the flesh that we pursue and lend ourselves to. we think we can beat the system then we think that we live in this fairytale land where there are no consequences. our sinful natures and the active presence of evil on earth doesn't justify anything or give us an excuse because we know better. but we still fall so short so often.

why?

and more than that...why is there grace? why has God, such a powerful and perfect being given us everything He can over and over again when everything we do is against it. there's a song by shane and shane called "Your grace is sufficient." it's really short but very powerful when you read the words. it says...

"Your grace is sufficient for me
Your strength is made perfect
When I am weak
And all that I cling to
I lay at Your feet
Your grace is sufficient for me."

so do we lay it at His feet? or do we spit on them as we walk by and live our lives as we choose out of selfishness and pride. grace is my favorite word ever but mainly because i don't understand it. the concept of it throws me in loops and i will never get a grasp on it's power and perfection in my lifetime. i'm a very logical person...i don't do well with things i can't grasp. so how i do or people like me accept grace? how do we, as flawed people, accept a perfect love and forgiveness. is it our place to even choose to accept it? or is it just there...

we come to these points in our lives so many times...call them crossroads, detours...whatever metaphor you want to use but we arrive at situations and times where we as people break. our foundations that we have built with our own strength and desires crumble beneath us and we feel broken. we finally acknowledge that we have no idea what we are doing and start to panic looking for an immediate answer. looking for something that will just make it all better. looking for something or someone to just pick us up and hold our minds and hearts telling them that everything is going to be okay and that they can kiss it and make it all better. it's not that easy. or is it? maybe there is no prolonged road that we think we have to walk down to find the greater meaning behind things. maybe we try to search so hard and rely so much on patience and time that we forget what we were waiting for. or maybe we should sit by and wait but we just keep trying to take the reigns and we try to control everything over and over and dig ourselves deeper. i don't know. i don't know much of anything but i do know that those are critical times in our lives. i've learned that it's only when i am fully broken that God can finally pick me up and begin to put me together and make me what He wants me to be. or maybe that's just the only time i'll allow Him to get close to me and touch me. i live in such fear of God's will yet i complain about wanting to know it. i get frustrated with God's timing but when He finally shows me i get angry that He answered. it's never enough. how do we approach absolute submission and brokenness. how do we maintain the fragile state of mind that tells us we constantly need God and His guidance? how do we lay ourselves down and just ask God to lead us not caring where we go? that's where we should all strive to be, i guess. a state of total communion and companionship with God. not us just being puppets in His world, but us walking freely with Him and choosing to be with Him out of love and appreciation instead of self-pity and misery. or maybe it doesn't matter how we get to that place as long as we do.

God craves us. deep down, we crave God. we crave a state of ecstasy and salvation and peace with a God that we owe everything to. maybe it's right in front of us and we just need to accept it. maybe acceptance is just the beginning. maybe it's the end-point. i think we just need to crave the true God, regardless of what that means for our own desires and visions. if we crave an idea of God that we have created or crave control and put limitation on God and on what we allow Him to do in our lives, we've accomplished nothing but lost time.

i want to stop losing time.

here's a shawn mcdonald song that i love.

"I lay myself at Your feet
Asking You won't You meet
Won't You meet me
I cannot do it on my own
I cannot do it all alone
Here I am, oh, tonight
With my arms open wide
Won't You come inside
Won't You come inside, God
Come and fill this heart of mine
I'm in need of You
Of Your touch, of Your life, of Your love
I need You
I need You"

that's where i want to be.

so -- here i am.

meet me.