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What do you do when you start to question everything in life? Like literally everything.

What do you do when your own existence doesn’t even make sense to you –why you’re here and what you’ll ever do. What if you lose the motivation to care and the motivation to love because you’re afraid of the results? What do you do when you’re afraid to be close to people because you’re afraid that they’re only out to get you? How about when you literally don’t trust anyone and don’t want to?

I just don’t know anymore. For such a long time I was in this limbo and I didn’t know what was going on and then all of the sudden out of nowhere the puzzle was together. Every piece had its place and everything made sense finally. Then for no explainable reason the puzzle was gone. There weren’t even any pieces to try to put it back together. They all got scared and ran off. It’s like you’re cruising along in a boat…everything is perfect and peaceful and then all the sudden you reach the edge of a flat, limited world and you start to get sucked to it out of control and you can’t do anything but see it come and just accept that it’s over and that’s it. At first you want to fight it and you’ll do everything in your power to try and save yourself and stop it from coming, but you just can’t. It’s going to happen –you’re going over the edge and there’s not a thing you can do about it. So you just sit back and accept it and wait…wait for something terrible to come knowing that you are absolutely powerless to stop it and don’t have the will to do anything about it anymore.

So then you pray. You pray because everyone tells you that “God answers prayer” and that everything will work out…they promise. So you pray…and you wait…and the edge still keeps coming…faster and faster it seems. And nothing happens. Every now and then you think it’s getting better and that you may be going toward the shore but then a big wave comes along and beats you back to the middle and pushes you toward your inevitable fate. And everything you’ve ever trusted begins to fail you. The “things” you relied on for so long are no longer there and when you turn to them for help or think they’ll be there with you they laugh at you and scoff. They do everything to push you faster. They don’t care about you anymore…maybe they never did. They all start to gang up on you and every new branch you reach for…every new idea you think of runs from you or breaks off or fails you. Nothing is solid…nothing will hold you…you can’t get a grip on any of it.

And God?

Well He’s there the whole time right? He’s right there beside you comforting you…helping you…right? But you don’t feel Him. You try so hard…you want to so badly. You reach out and beg Him to just pick you up and take you and carry you to safety and happiness but when you open your eyes nothing has changed. It’s all the same…even worse in ways. Every now and then you feel like it’s getting better and He’s actually doing something but then you lose that…and you feel nothing again. You’re numb to it…to Him…to everything. You remember when you could feel…you loved it. You loved to love…to feel love – to feel loved. But you don’t feel anything anymore. You tell yourself you do but you can’t fool yourself forever. You won’t give up…you’ll never give up…but you’ll always wonder. Will it get better? Will He come back to you? Is He still there with you or is He letting you do this one on your own. Is this just a “test” or is this life…for good. Has a test become your life? A test you’ll never understand and you just keep failing…you do it over and over again trying to improve but you fail…you just don’t get it and you won’t.

Maybe there are answers. Maybe not. Maybe there is a point…maybe it’s all just to pass the time.

Time…please hurry…

I'm too tired to wait...

please…come back…..

- David