good stuff

So lately I have not really been myself. Well I have been “me,” but not a “me” that I am accustomed to. I really can’t complain though. It’s not a bad thing or like that I have turned into this crazy person who has gone completely off his rocker…no that was last year. It’s more a feeling that I have. How I act toward other people. How other people see me and their first impression of me.

I feel good. I feel content, happy, confident, warm, strong and I even feel smart. (haha) I don’t know what exactly brought about the change but I can tell you it has most definitely involved God. I think it is because I am where God wants me. I was kinda scared…well I was nervous to the point that I couldn’t even eat because I was so upset from like the beginning of December until just last week. I was scared because I knew deep down inside that what I was doing and where I was at the time wasn’t what god wanted for me. He had something else. I prayed for months about coming to Asbury and that I only wanted to make the move and make the transition if it was what God wanted for me. A lot of people discouraged me from coming saying that I wouldn’t like it because of numerous reasons whether it was the rules, the area, the living arrangements, the beliefs or even the people. So I prayed. I prayed a whole dang lot. Often times I would pray until I fell asleep. Sometimes I would be so upset and nervous and scared and whatever you can say that I would have to pray just to go to sleep.

But not anymore.

This is where God wants me. I don’t know why yet. I don’t know if it is for something or someone or for me or for whatever reason…I just know that I feel right for the first time in a long time like I am finally taking that leap into God’s arms having the faith that He will catch me and carry me and that He will not drop me. I feel comfortable here and with the exception of a couple of times I don’t even know when I was anxious.

I got to see my mom and sister and ricey this weekend and when they left I wasn’t even really upset. Don’t think that’s cause I don’t like them or because I couldn’t wait to leave home. I love my family more than anything and they are all my closest friends. But it just constantly feels like I am doing the right thing and that I don’t have anything to worry about.

The people here are amazing. Well, from what I know thus far. All of the guys on my hall and in the dorm in general are very welcoming and nice. Just last night one of them asked me to go watch a movie with him and two other guys. That may not be a big deal to some people, but when you are moving your life and changing everything it’s nice to have that feeling of acceptance. The faculty and staff are the same way. Since I have been here I have been to one professor’s house and the provost’s house. I don’t know many other schools where so many people have an open invitation to students to come and visit, just hang out, study or even talk about anything that’s on your mind. It’s the difference between a “community” and a “Christian community.” The caring. The understanding. The welcoming spirit and down-to-earth attitudes.

I recently heard in a song I like these words –

“You've only so many roads to choose
Sooner or later the ones you use
They all look the same
Someday you might feel the need
Someday when you're tired of bleeding
For someone else
You're gonna want it for yourself
I ain't saying it's the only way
But wouldn't you like to know

How it feels to live
Like a free man
To give
When there’s nothin’ in your hand
Run like only the river can
Like a free man”
- Angie Aparo
  “Free Man”

I think that’s how it should be. We should feel free. Free from burden, free from sin, free from sadness and misery and pain and hurt and everything bad in the world. I want to be free from that. It’s an ongoing process in my opinion – a process that never ends. Ultimate freedom is achieved when we’re lucky enough to have God call us home and we get to experience a weightless and worry-less and everything-bad-less life. What an amazing promise – to have that waiting. It’s how Jesus was. Jesus was beat, He was ridiculed; He was murdered. Everything bad that could happen to a person happened to Him. Yet he was still free. He was free because it was God who was leading Him and God alone. I think that if we finally turn it all over we will be free on earth. Not necessarily free from sin or from sadness or anything because that is inevitable. But we can still be free in that we’re doing what God wants us to do and I think that gives one a certain feeling…a feeling of being free. I know it because it’s how I feel. I feel free.

I really like it. I feel good.

I just hope that things continue to get even better and that everything works out.

Everything.

- david